50 Italian Lessons

Things I’ve learned in Italy:

1. Caffe is espresso. At least three a day is normal.  It has magical properties that help you digest.

2. It is easy to ride the bus without a ticket… Until you get caught.

3. Biking to work is acceptable.  Walking is not.

4. Colds are not caused by germs, but by being cold.

5. Living at home in your 20s, and your 30s, and even your 40s is totally acceptable.

6. Living with your parents does not mean a life of celibacy.  What do you think park benches and cars are for?

7. If it’s winter you must wear a coat.  Even if it is 70 degrees.

8. No one’s heard of Hanukkah.

9. There must be something wrong with you if you are single.

10. There are two happy hours in Italy: before lunch and before dinner.  If you’re lucky you can be buzzed for half the day.

11. Cheaters often prosper.

12. When someone calls you furbo (sneaky), it’s not always negative.

13. Sweating is dangerous.

14. Tanning is not.

15. Italians appreciate beauty.  Bello is probably the most used word in the Italian language.

16. Running is for masochists.

17. Wine comes in the form of juice boxes… picnic in the park?

18. Queen and Bruce Springsteen are the best musicians of all time.

19. You can actually still send telegraphs.

20. Blondes are a commodity.

21. Stop signs are merely suggestions

22. You can replace your stilettos with sneakers for appropriate work wear.

23. Pizza can come with french fries and hot dogs on it.  It’s called the “americana”.

24. Mayonnaise is an appropriate topping for pizza.

25. Wearing the same outfit everyday for a week is accepted.

26. The mamma is God.  She knows all.

27. Nuns live in the nicest houses.

28. Everyone in America is wealthy.

29. Every problem is caused by the crisi (crisis).

30. Dancing means jumping up and down punching your fist in the air.

31. Italian men love to dance.

32. Lines do not exist.  Instead jam your body as close as possible to the entrance.

33.  You are never late to work/school/dinner, unless you live in the north.

34. It NEVER rains in May.  It NEVER rains in Sicily.

35. Public restrooms are rare, and free ones are even rarer.

36. Cheek kissing is performed right-left, contrary to every other country.

37. Indie music does not exist.

38. Caffe corretto (correct coffee)- Alcoholic coffee does exist, and it’s the correct way to take your coffee?

39. Pink floral scarves are found in the mens wear department.

40. Jorts on men is the height of style!

41. Hollister is also the height of style.

42. Breakfast is dessert.  Cake and cookies with milk.

43. Hard alcohol is taken to digest that 4 course meal.

44. Many people of older generations do not speak Italian but rather dialect (Sicilian, Bergamasco…)

45. Low blood pressure is the cause of most problems.

46. Floors are to be swept and vacuumed every day.

47. Iron everything.  Including underwear.

48. “American” style means dressing like you are from the 80s.  Jean everything and sneakers.

49. Electronic cigarettes mean you can apparently now smoke indoors and even in the classroom.

50. Apparently everyone in America owns a gun.  You can in fact purchase them at the supermarket or even in duty free.